Q & A: IT IS JUST 5 YEARS INTO MY MARRIAGE. WHY DON'T I FEEL THE STRONG EMOTIONS I USED TO FEEL WHEN WE WERE DATING?

Please, I need help. I am observing that the way I used to feel about my husband is changing over the years.

We have been married now for 5 years and with two kids but my problem is that I don’t feel the strong emotions I used to feel when we were dating. I also observed that he doesn’t really enjoy my presence the way he used to because he now spends the evenings with his friends and comes back home around 7pm whereas he closes by 4pm, the same time I close from work. I don’t know why I am sure he’s not cheating on me but I feel like things are too normal and ordinary than how they should be between spouses. My greatest challenge is that I can’t say we have any issues between us but I am afraid that if things continue this way it may keep getting less interesting to stay in the marriage and one of us may want to leave. This is what I don’t ever want to see happen. I love family and I love my kids. Please, do we have a big problem on our hands that can lead to divorce like I’m feeling we have?

Answer:

It seems to me as if neither of you is familiar with the different phases of marital life, so you do not realize that after five years of marriage you have transited to another phase. As a couple grows, their lives change and their ages increase, their marriage is also bound to evolve through different phases, especially in the areas of communication and intimacy. Let me briefly explain the different phases so that you understand how interesting your marital journey will be.

The first phase is the honeymoon phase when there is a lot of excitement in your marriage and the main focus is all about getting to know your partner better and forming a sense of identity and making time together. This is probably the easiest of all the phases.

The second phase is the realization phase. This is when a deeper discovery of each other’s personality is made, both good and bad. There may be less display of emotion at this stage and a little more rational thinking. The secret at this time is open and transparent communication so that trust and commitment are maintained.

There is a third phase called the rebellion phase. This is when each partner starts to become assertive and pursue things of personal interest. Couples have a series of disagreements at this phase and may experience hidden power struggles. Conflict resolution skills are required to negotiate through this phase because it requires lots of understanding and compromise.

The next phase is the cooperation phase. At this phase, a couple is often more preoccupied with other things in life rather than each other. For example, a couple may be dealing with children, work, household responsibilities, volunteering, and other tasks which can make the relationship seem less of a  priority. Couples during this stage run the risk of becoming more like roommates or business partners rather than romantic lovers. During this phase, a couple must make their marriage a top priority and find interesting ways of enjoying one another’s company free without unnecessary distractions.

The last phase is the reunion phase which is characterized by the empty nest phase of life. After the children leave home, a couple has more time to devote to one another and their marriage. A couple in this stage can benefit from refocusing their energy and creating new memories together as a couple.

From your letter, it is obvious you are at the second and third phase of your marriage where the most important tool you need is open, honest and uninhibited communication. This is not the time to internalize your emotions and think that issues will sort themselves out. I would expect that you and your husband would sit down to talk about your concerns about your marriage. Don’t be surprised that he could also have similar thoughts but may not know what to do. But if after several attempts both of you are unable to restore your relationship or you still have these concerns, then you need to contact a professional marriage counsellor.

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