Q & A : MY FIANCEE CHECKS MY CALL HISTORY AND CHATS WHILE HE HIDES HIS OWN FROM ME. IS THIS RIGHT ? / HE CHEATED ON ME AND I AM STRUGGLING TO FORGET IT. EVEN THOUGH I HAVE FORGIVEN HIM

My fiancée just bought a new handset for me and he put a code so that he has access to all my call history and chats anytime. He always asks questions about my calls and the people I chat with and I don’t mind because I believe marriage can only be built on love and transparency. Unfortunately, he is not reciprocating my gesture. He has a code on his phone that I don’t know so I don’t have access to his call history and chats. 

I have told him I will stop using the phone he bought for me and get mine and put a code which he won’t know on it as well. But he does not want that.  He says he’s beginning to suspect me of being unfaithful.  

Sir, is it right for him to have free access to my calls and chats but I don’t have access to his?

I perceive a sense of insecurity in this relationship, but I would need to relate more with you to identify the root cause. There are many pieces of baggage both of you have brought into your relationship, which is why the mutual suspicion has developed. It seems to me that each of you has something to hide from the other. But you cannot build a healthy, godly, and happy home when neither of you trusts the other. 

This period of courtship is the best time to discuss this issue and resolve it before you go into marriage.  I advise that you sit down together to discuss this issue. You need to build trust in each other. Let him know the message of mistrust and suspicion he sends to you by denying you access to his phone. Trust and transparency are indispensable pillars in a Christian home, and this is the right time to begin to build it. It can start with you. If you have nothing to hide, use the phone he bought. Let him have access to your calls and chats. When he discovers your commitment and transparency, this would help him develop confidence in you and learn to do likewise.

If you are unable to resolve this issue please contact the counsellor:

HE CHEATED ON ME AND I AM STRUGGLING TO FORGET IT.  EVEN THOUGH I HAVE FORGIVEN HIM

 

We have been enjoying our marriage for eight years without any issues until April last year when I discovered my husband was having affair with a lady in his office. I was going through his phone when I saw the evil communication they were having. When I confronted him he owned up and promised not to do that again. I believe him but I’m finding it difficult to erase the memory of this betrayal. It is eating deep into me. Sir, what should I do ?

 

Betrayal can be a traumatic experience, especially from someone to whom you had given absolute trust. There is no way you can forget it. A trauma like this is an emotional injury mixed with anger, shame, fear, and pain, but you can learn how to manage the memory so that it does not cast a dark shadow on your future.

I must add that it is not only your husband who needs professional help, you also need it to heal. I imagine that each time you remember, the emotions of anguish and bitterness are refreshed in your mind. This will hurt your relationship not only with your husband but also with your children. 

Yes, you have to forgive him but because I know the psychological impact of infidelity, I advise you seek help. Both of you need to see a family cousellor. The counsellor will help you resolve the bitterness and anger raging inside of you and also help your husband discover the underlying reasons for his infidelity and guide him so that he does not fall into it again. Many factors predispose a man to infidelity, ranging from his family background, childhood experiences, thought processes, etc. Your husband needs to discover his vulnerable areas and learn how he can do a complete reset of his life. 

I am available to guide both of you through this process. 

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